


Why Don't You (love me)?

by Trashy_McTrash



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi, Other, Pre Debut, Self-Hatred, it will get better, kinda depressing but idk it will get better, lonely changkyun, post no mercy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2020-10-18 03:57:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20632709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trashy_McTrash/pseuds/Trashy_McTrash
Summary: Im Changkyun wanted to be here but this seemed too difficult. Changkyun wins his place in Monsta X and starts to face the trials of being the maknae of his new group. As the boys prepare for their debut tensions are at their peak and Changkyun must navigate a new sea of strange feelings.





	1. Tears

“Ah Changkyun-ah don’t cry.” The youngest couldn’t help it though. All his hard work had payed off. He was going to debut. The newly formed group, Monsta X, had been in their new dorm for five days when it finally hit Changkyun he was going to debut. He stopped his quiet, practically silent, sobbing when Kihyun’s voice reached him from the kitchen and cloaked him where he laid curled up on the sofa in the living room. The older member moved from the kitchen doorway and crouched next to the smaller male.

“Come here maknae, let hyung wipe your eyes.” He tuned towards the voice and calmed himself enough to recognise the vocal next to him and allowed himself to be cared for by the motherly male. He slowly shifted himself so Kihyun could sit where his head had been moments before.

“Still crying?” it wasn’t harsh and the sent of the newly entered male told Changkyun that it was the leader Hyunwoo. Kihyun guided Changkun’s head onto his lap. The youngest sunk into the elder male and Hyunwoo gently brushed his fingers across the small boy’s forehead, pushing the youngers bangs from his eyes. Changkyun suddenly realised that he was halting celebrations.

“I’m sorry hyungs. Really. We should be celebrating...”

Kihyun cut the small boy off with a gentle tutting sound, “It’s okay baby, we don’t mind.” The slip of the pet name both calmed Changkyun and made him buzz with a newly formed wave of what felt like anxiety but happier than the monster that tended to haunt him.

“Come on hyung! I want to eat ramen!” the booming voice startled the youngest and Hyunwoo left to scold Hoseok about yelling in the dorms which Changkyun misinterpreted this as Hyunwoo being fed up and leaving him to Kihyun to deal with. The tears started falling all over again.

“ah baby why are you so worked up?” Kihyun asked the smaller expecting no reply and happily accepted the small boy curling into him more as he sobbed. Kihyun always had a soft spot for those around him which often led to people assuming he was very nice. He was but the small male could get mad and when he did he had the bite more threatening than anyone else. When he was mad people ran as far away as possible and if he felt the need to defend someone or something, he would do it without a second thought.

Changkyun felt his heart start to race faster, he had made both Hyunwoo and Kihyun annoyed. He was trapped in his own head and the voices there were known to Changkyun for being harsh and critical of everything.

“Changkyunnie please breath for me, you’re gonna make yourself sick.” Kihyun made Changkyun feel safe, the other members made him scared. Hyunwoo was intimidating partially for all his muscle and strength but also because he was a leader that was hard to read. Sometimes Changkyun thought he could tell what was going on in the elder’s head and other days he was so unsure he just wanted to cry because he lived to please the older. Hoseok was often overpowering with his excessive muscle and yelling; he never hurt the boy but always used his size and class to intimidate Changkyun. Minhyuk didn’t like Changkyun to start and some days the elders teasing felt more malicious to Changkyun than the older meant for it to feel. Hyungwon was untouchable in Changkyun’s eyes; he was handsome and smart with a sense of humour that was never out of place. Then there was Jooheon. The boy was only a little older than Changkyun, yet he was everything the younger wasn’t. he was cute and sweet, Changkyun considered himself neither. Jooheon unlike Changkyun made his group proud.

Changkyun knew his thought were so negative but he was trapped in his perceived truth and was spiralling into a dangerous place at a rapid speed.

“Hyungs!” Changkyun’s foggy mind registered Kihyun yelling which fuelled his fears. Now he had pissed off the only person to care about him. Then blissful nothingness.

“Hyunwoo hyung he passed out!” Kihyun was holding the small boy close to himself. Hyunwoo called the manager and Hoseok picked the youngest from Kihyun’s lap and the two were out the front door before he could process any of it.

“‘hyunnie it wasn’t your fault.” Minhyuk was standing in front of the younger who stood suddenly and pushed his way into the kitchen. Hyungwon walked up to Minhyuk and pulled him to the couch.

“Let him calm himself down hyung. Its not worth a fight.” Hyungwon may have been one of the youngest but he was most certainly one of the wisest. Maybe it was all the sleeping he did. Regardless Minhyuk sighed and let himself be dragged down onto the couch to be cuddled.

Kihyun when stressed or upset would put in his headphones and do all the house work. He had started with the laundry, then the dishes. He vacuumed the whole dorm. He dusted in every room and remade Changkyun’s bed. When Jooheon came home from the studio he found Kihyun picking the skin around his nails.

“Hey hyung, where is Hyunwoo hyung?” Kihyun didn’t respond and Minhyuk chuckled from the couch.

“Yah, no point in talking to him till Hyungs and Changkyunie come home. Ki is pretty stressed just ignore him.” Jooheon tilted his head at Minhyuk before turning to look at Kihyun.

“Where are they?” the soft question and furrowed brows were not the response he was expecting. Minhyuk couldn’t even explain before Jooheon turned to face him, paled and whispered,

“He’s in hospital, isn’t he?” Minhyuk, despite his surprise, nodded. Jooheon started to pace between the kitchen and loungeroom. His pacing was enough to catch Kihyun’s eye and loud enough to wake Hyungwon. The latter was the first of the boys watching Jooheon to speak up.

“Yah kid stop pacing, I’m trying to sleep.” Jooheon glared at the model and turned to Kihyun who had removed his earbuds.

“Did he hurt himself?” that startled both Minhyuk and Hyungwon but Kihyun seemed unphased by the question.

“No, he had some sort of anxiety attack and wouldn’t breath. I couldn’t calm him in time. He passed out.” It was muttered but the conversation had spawned a series of questions that couldn’t go unanswered.

“What the fuck?” Hyungwon had summed it up and Jooheon just threw a stack of papers, they were crumpled and torn in many places, at the table in front of the couch Minhyuk and Hyungwon were tangled together on.

“He’s been writing some sad stuff so I… I collected it and brought it home. Just have a read.”

_Feels like I’m under water _

_I should stop fighting what’s pulling me under_

They blinked blankly starring at the paper on the table.

“Is that it?”

“I wish. This pile is only a fraction of what he’s written.”

“Well shit.” Hyungwon’s sigh somehow resounded in their hearts and not just their heads.


	2. home; if only i had one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Calmed_By_Chaos AND KFan3131 who requested more of this story.

Changkyun awoke to a beeping sound that was drinking him insane. He wasn’t sure why he was here, but he was certain he was in a hospital bed. The smell of bleach-based disinfectant made its way into his nose; Changkyun nearly threw up. His eyes wouldn’t fully open yet Changkyun was desperate to see his surroundings.

“Hyung?” He let his sleep heavy and horse voice ring out into the air around him. Changkyun could hear something heavy hit the floor, a chair screech and gentle laughter. A warm hand slipped into his. Taehyuk?

“Taehyuk hyung?” The laughter stopped

“who the fuck is Taehyuk?” it was a barely audible whisper.

“Language.”

“Whomst the fuck is Taehyuk? Better hyung?”

“Fuck hyung we should’ve brought Kihyun.” Changkyun couldn’t quite figure out who the voices belonged. The faces of his brothers from not long ago were now replaced by Kihyun’s face smiling down at him. Was it his new leader? No, someone different; but who?

“Shownu hyung?” Silence then,

“Hey kunnie, it’s hyung. Hoseok Is getting Kihyun for you okay.” If he had opened his eyes, he would have seen the red rimmed eyes of his two oldest members. He would have known it was Hoseok hyung speaking, would have seen how sad the older was when Changkyun said Hyunwoo’s name and not his. Would have seen Hoseok fall out of his chair and kick another to get to him. But his eyes were firmly shut under the weight of his own exhaustion.

Changkyun wanted the warm weight of Hoseok hyungs hand in his back but also wanted to hear Kihyun’s voice, even if the older did nag him. He would take the nagging any day; if his hyungs would speak to him instead of around him.

“Oh baby, you gave me a heart attack. How are you feeling?” Changkyun cracked open an eye and looked – read squinted – at Kihyun. The elder didn’t look mad, just concerned.

“Shit.” It slipped out of his mouth before he realised he had said anything. Changkyun let his eyes close as he waited to be scolded, instead he heard laughter.

He opened both his eyes and looked around. Hoseok was smiling at Hyunwoo who could only laught at… well Changkyun wasn’t sure what they were laughing about.

“Fair enough maknae, passing out will do that to someone.” Hoseok had spoken. And it was directed at him? Changkyun shook himself mentally then allowed himself to crack a cautious smile back at his hyungs. Kihyun had already made himself comfy in the chair next to Changkyun’s hospital bed. They weren’t mad. He had told himself and basically the rest of the world that if he reached out his hand, they would take it eventually. So Changkyun reached out his hand, literally.

“What do you need kkukkungie?” Hoseok not only spoke to the boy, twice, but called him a pet name. Confused didn’t quite explain the inner chaos in Changkyun’s mind.

_Come on Changkyun, just ask for him to hold your hand._

His inner terror ceased when he saw the older male smiling down softly at him.

“Could Hoseok hyung hold my hand please?” There was a brief pause before Hoseok moved closer to the boy, seating himself on the edge of the bed and taking the youngest hand in his own. Changkyun finally let himself relax. Hoseok’s hand grounded him.

While Changkyun slept Hyunwoo travelled home to tell the boys that Changkyun was doing just fine. Kihyun and Hoseok tried to figure out what was wrong with the maknae.

“He asked for you, well some whine that sounded like Taehyuk but I don’t know a Taehyuk so I assumed he meant you, and asked to hold my hand…”

“He asked you to hold his hand but yes.”

“Whatever Ki, have we been depriving him?”

“I don’t know hyung, he never shied away from my interactions with him when we’re alone but he’s less likely to let me hold him around you guys.”

“Fucking hell. I.. we’ve really hurt him.”

“No kidding. Jooheon’s got this pile of really depressing lyrics ‘kyunnie’s been writing. Wait is he waking up?”

“Yeah, hey kkukkungie how are you feeling for that nap?

Changkyun had only just started to stir, not hearing his hyungs concerned talk. He cracked open his eyes; accepting a drink from Kihyun.

“He’s ready to go. Manager-nim is out front, is he awake.” It was quipped. Changkyun could tell Hyunwoo was pissed off, and he was certain it was about him. He wasn’t exactly wrong. Hyunwoo had seen the papers, the only member who hadn’t read them was Hoseok.

“Yes hyung, I won’t keep you waiting.” Changkyun pulled himself up from where he was lying and took his clothes to the bathroom so he could change.

The silence that had fallen on the four males didn’t shatter. Changkyun put his headphones in as soon as the got in the car and Kihyun texted Jooheon to hide the papers he’d found. While Hyunwoo wanted to speak about the issue he also found himself shying away from confronting the youngest. Kihyun couldn’t even get the youngest tom meet his eyes. The four pilled out of the company car when it halted at the dorm. Changkyun didn’t miss a beat both saying thank you and bowing to his manager before the man drove off. The younger walked into the dorm.

“ah Changkyunie you gave me a heart attack.”

“Ashi kid don’t scare your hyung like that.”

Hyungwon and Minhyuk sounded annoyed. Changkyun mentally readied himself for some form of reprimanding. Jooheon must of beat them to it.

“are you feeling better Changkyun-ah?”

Changkyun nodded; what was a lie like that gonna do. No one would push it.

“Hyungs may I be excused to sleep?”

“Yeah rest up Changkyun. We have dance practice all day tomorrow.” Changkyun now knew how he would be punished.


	3. For Once I Wish I Could See Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four day's after passing out Changkyun is struggling again but the hyung's are there to help. an early mark, a nap and a heart to heart with some of his hyungs.

Changkyun was never one to find confidence in himself; often times comparing himself to those surrounding him. Today wasn’t a good day to that. Four days after passing out and everyday had been dance practice.It had started with Hyunwoo and Hyungwon getting the dance wrong and Changkyun knew there was no way he could do it. The instructor was particularly snappy today. Even breathing seemed to be a problem.

“Boys!” the dance teacher snapped at the group again, Changkyun was just hoping he wasn’t the problem. “This is pathetic. Grab a drink and have lunch. I’ll see you all tomorrow. I’m expecting improvement. That goes for all of you but some more than others. Changkyun are you listening?” he nodded meekly, and the teacher sighed as he left slamming the door behind him.

Changkyun stood with his eyes glued to the spot while he reminded himself to breath. He didn’t move until his manager walked in holding seven lunchboxes. He was the last to shuffle towards their manager; he knew he was the youngest and therefore last to get things. As he thanked the manager the man shrugged him off and left, something about a meeting about the new music video filming. The boy nodded even though the man had already left the room. 

He turned and saw Hyungwon being held up and fed by Hoseok who looked about the same level of exhausted as all the boys surrounding him. Minhyuk was propped up against the leader who looked unusually drained. Kihyun was lying on the floor food finished and water already drunk. Jooheon seemed to be the only member who still had energy despite the bags under his eyes. 

“Changkyunie~” Jooheon had all but sung his name and Changkyun looked at the man calling him.

“Yes hyung?”

“Wanna go out after this?” how could he turn down the younger male? He didn’t want to come across as rude but honestly yesterday had taken it out of him and he felt like just drowning himself in work instead of hanging out with anyone. Lucky everyone was tried.

“Yah Jooheon, ‘Kyunnie hasn’t even gotten to sit down yet. Let the boy catch his breath before you go asking him to do anything.” Kihyun was surely his favourite hyung in that moment.

“Come here kkukkungie.” Hoseok was now sitting alone as Hyungwon had decided to copy Kihyun and sprawl out across the floor. He hesitated but chose not to disobey his hyung. He nodded and sat next to the buff male.He knew that Hoseok was always there for him. He then turned to Jooheon.

“Jooheon hyung, if we aren’t dead once we pack up of course we can go hang out.” Changkyun knew he was digging himself a grave but for once in a very long time someone was reaching out to him instead of the other way around. 

Changkyun let himself be held by Hoseok as he ate, his eyes fluttering open and closed continuously. Before long Changkyun had finished his food and water that Kihyun had insisted they all drank. He was on the cusp of sleep. As he tilted his head slightly more to find a more comfortable position Hoseok gently maneuverer him into his lap and Changkyun let his eyes finally close and mind go blank. As he fell into bliss he realised that he really liked his Hoseok hyung.

The group sat quietly for about twenty minutes. 

Hyungwon mused to himself how they were all so close to each other except Changkyun. Hyungwon supposed he wouldn’t befriend any of them had he been in Changkyun’s spot, but he was glad the boy was close-ish with Kihyun and on certain days Jooheon. His willingness to be close with Hoseok was strange to say the least.

There was no tension between them per-say but it was nowhere near as comfortable between Changkyun and the other members as it was for Hyungwon or Jooheon. 

The twenty-minute peace shattered when the manager walked in and told them the had an early mark. The maknae’s ability to sleep through being carried through the company, the car ride and being carried into the dorm slightly concerned Kihyun. The group stood silently in the lounge room watching Hoseok who placed the youngest onto the couch and covered him with a throw blanket. 

Kihyun was the first to move. He walked out of the room, grabbed a water bottle, and returned placing it on the floor next to the couch. The mother hen’s attention then shifted to the leader.

“Hyunwoo hyung can we talk?” it wasn’t in the usual tone Kihyun would use with the leader, instead it was snappy and sounded rude; tight and somewhere high in the back of his throat. The leader just nodded and walked out of the living room with the mother of the group. To say those left there were stunned was a severe understatement. No one moved for fear of Kihyun’s wrath. No one except Hoseok. 

Hoseok sat down on the floor next to the couch. The second eldest let his head rest on the couch as he watched the youngest’s face. Hoseok concluded that the boy was most relaxed when sleeping and let himself observe the way Changkyun’s face would scrunch up and relax during his sleeping. 

Meanwhile Kihyun was pacing and sighing repeatedly as Hyunwoo rubbed his temples. The pair was unsure of what to do. The pair stood in a bedroom off to the side as they pondered how they had let everything get this bad. Kihyun let a singular tear fall before rushing into the leaders arms. Hyunwoo just held the small male tight as the small male cried. 

In the living room Minhyuk and Jooheon had sat down and Hyungwon had gone to the room the leader and Kihyun were in. Hyungwon silently let himself cry with Kihyun and Hyunwoo. 

Time stood still in the dorm. Jooheon had fallen asleep in Minhyuk’s arms and Hyunwoo was comforting a no longer sobbing Hyungwon with gentle caresses on a couch opposite where Changkyun was sleeping. Kihyun placed blankets on each of the boys as he busied himself with cooking. 

Hoseok observed the silent dorm. 

Changkyun was never one to get sick but Hoseok knew the boy was never truly well in his head. Hoseok had seen Changkyun’s lyrics back during no mercy days and had always been a silent constant for the youngest member. 

Hoseok smiled at the memory of the first time he talked to the youngest. if he tried really hard he could almost remember the way Changkyun laughed at his shitty jokes after crying into Hoseok’s chest. Neither ever spoke about it but Hoseok wished they had. Then maybe he wouldn’t be sitting on the floor watching the youngest sleep peacefully. 

He felt the tears roll down his cheeks and then soft fingers. 

“Hoseok hyung? Why are you crying?” He opened his eyes to lock them with Changkyun’s eyes. 

“ ah kkukkungie don’t worry hyungie just worried himself too much.” He couldn’t bring himself to talk honestly with the younger. one part of his brain that saw the younger’s eyebrows pinch at his words told him he needed to be honest with the younger. He motioned for Changkyun to sit up so he could sit with him. 

“I lied kkukkungie. it’s not nothing. We’re worried about you baby.” The younger went to say something but Hoseok shushed him and pulled him closer. “Baby, do you remember during no mercy how we had that chat about what you were writing? that night when i came to get you, remember talking about it?” the younger nodded and tilted his head. Hoseok continued. “Jooheon came home that day when you passed out with a collection of papers. I thought you promised to come tell me when things feel like that? It’s okay if you don't want to talk to me-”

Changkyun had cut him off. “It’s not like that hyung!” he hadn’t meant to yell but he hadn’t written anything like that in ages.

“Okay Kkukkungie. It’s okay. Can you tell hyung what it is like then?” Hoseok questioned gently, realising the youngest’s yelling had caught Kihyun and Hyunwoo’s attention. The maknae sighed and buried his head into the crook of Hoseok’s neck, remaining there while composing himself. 

“Hyung, do you have the papers?” Kihyun stepped towards the pair.

“Hey baby, i overheard you two talking. Do you want me to get the papers?” Changkyun nodded but reached out for the hand that had just left his cheek. 

“Kihyun hyung, please don’t tell the others.” it was a plea that Kihyun could only nod at, knowing that everyone already knew. Hoseok and Changkyun sat silently waiting for the papers to be brought to them. Admittedly Hoseok wasn’t expecting Kihyun to be so fast. Kihyun returned to the pair on the couch and handed them the papers before turning to leave.

“Ki hyung?” Changkyun was looking up at him and KIhyun moved so he was back in front of the maknae. 

“Yes baby?” There was just the sound of breathing before changkyun muttered, “Stay?” Kihyun nodded and sat next to Hoseok who was still holding Changkyun. 

“So can you please explain what’s going on?” Hoseok was gentle with his words, one of his hands rubbing the youngest’s back. 

“Yeah i can hyungs,” Changkyun reached a hand out and Kihyun took it without hesitation, so the youngest continued. “Look at the dates on these. It was back before we spoke Hoseok hyung. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it back then, so I bought a new notebook and left this one in the back of my bag. Last week I decided to throw all the pages away. I thought it would look less suspicious than if I threw away a whole notebook.”

“So you haven’t written anything like that since?” Kihyun’s small frown made Changkyun feel guilty.

“No hyung, but i have been still feeling like that.” Hoseok was now frowning as well. “Do you want to tell us about it?” Kihyun spoke so softly that Changkyun felt that he could melt. 

“Can we wait for everyone else to be awake? I just don't want to have to explain it more than necessary, or for anyone to be left out of the loop.” 

“Of course Changkyun. Now, we cuddle.” Hoseok smiled at the boy in his lap and Kihyun stood. Hoseok maneuvered the pair so they were lying down, but he noticed Kihyun turning around.

“Yah Ki, where do you think you’re going?” Kihyun turned and shrugged. Hoseok pulled him down so he was lying on the elders other side. the trio barely managed to fit on the couch, yet once they were comfortable sleep welcomed them all easily. Everything could wait just a little longer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda a filler chapter but I hope it will make it all make sense. Also if you feel like it please go check out my other Monsta X story 'From Zero (Not Even One)' it's also Changkyun centred but its a a/b/o fic


	4. Honest?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking is the last thing Changkyun wants to do and yet he knows he needs to. But this? He couldn't cope with this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING - ANXIETY ATTACK;  
if this is triggering i recommend you stop reading once Changkyun and Minhyuk talk towards the end of the chapter. it isn't too in depth but i just wanted to warn you

Hoseok woke up first. Kihyun woke up not long after. The hamster like male ran his fingers through Hyunwoo’s hair and once the leader was fully awake explained that the group needed to have a chat before disappearing into the kitchen to revive the food he had started. The conversation couldn’t be put off forever. Eventually Minhyuk and Jooheon woke up and started chatting idly with Hyunwoo and Hoseok, who was barely paying attention. Changkyun was still curled up in his chest and Hoseok wanted nothing more than to keep that particular moment frozen so that nothing bad could ever touch any of those he loved. 

Changkyun on the other hand wanted to run away. He lay on Hoseok’s chest with his eyes closed, part of him hoping in vain that if he pretended to be asleep he could avoid the conversation that was going to happen. Hoseok’s chest and the smell of Kihyun’s cooking kept the youngest from bolting. When Hyungwon woke Changkyun felt his chest tighten. Hoseok’s fingers ran through his hair in a way he assumed was supposed to ‘wake’ him. 

Changkyun slowly sat up, arms still around Hoseok’s waist. 

“Ah good morning Kyunkyun.” Changkyun turned to look at Minhyuk who was smiling at the stunned boy. 

“Is it morning?” Changkyun had wanted to say something nice back but the words slipped from his lips before he could change them. Minhyuk only smiled while Jooheon laughed from where he sat on the other couch. 

“No baby, it’s not morning. It’s time for dinner.” Yoo Kihyun was once again Changkyun’s favorite person. He just meekly nodded at the older male and followed him into the kitchen. Hoseok was walking behind him, talking to Hyunwoo, and Changkyun managed to calm himself. He was safe. 

_ ‘I'm safe here with hyungs. I'm safe here with Kihyun hyung and Hoseok hyung. I'm safe here with Jooheon hyung. I’m safe here with Hyunwoo hyung. I’m safe here with Hyungwon hyung and Minhyuk hyung. I’m safe here with hyungs.’ _

Changkyun collected his fill and moved to sit in the lounge room again while silently repeating those words in his head. Minhyuk was practically sitting on Hyunwoo who merely raised an eyebrow before starting to eat. The pair took up the space on the love-seat. 

Meanwhile Hyungwon and Jooheon were tangled together on the couch that faced the love-seat. Hoseok and Kihyun sat snuggled together on the couch facing the tv and Changkyun found himself trying to pick where to sit. 

As Kihyun and Hoseok went to waive the boy over to them Jooheon called out to him. Hyungwon and Jooheon sat happily on either end of the couch. Changkyun looked at the small space and squeezed his way into it. Once he was settled on the couch and started to eat Hyungwon threw an arm around his shoulders.

Changkyun tried his hardest not to flinch at the contact. he was pretty sure he had succeeded when Hyungwon didn’t pull his arm off straight away. Changkyun didn’t realize that everyone had seen him flinch and were pretending they didn’t. 

“Hey Changkyun it’s your turn to pick what we watch. What’d want me to hit?” Minhyuk’s voice was gentle. Changkyun shrugged. He looked blankly around and then his eyes settled on Hoseok.

“Hoseok hyung, what was that show you were watching the other day?” Hoseok smiled and rattled off a show name and the channel it should be on. The show was about sea creatures and Changkyun found himself putting his empty bowl on the floor so he could turn to see the show better.

“Kyunnie, here.” Jooheon whispered to the youngest. Changkyun looked at him and realized that Jooheon was offering for him to sit in the older rapper’s lap so he could see better. Changkyun couldn’t resist Jooheon who was so patient with him, so he moved onto the older’s lap. 

“Thanks hyung.” Changkyun whispered to Jooheon during an add break. Jooheon replied by hugging the younger close and Changkyun let his head rest on the olders shoulder. Hyungwon had shuffled closer to the other two maknaes and soon Changkyun’s legs were in the models lap. Changkyun expected his chest to feel tight and instead he felt calm, warm, safe. 

By the end of the show Kihyun was wishing that there was another episode. Hoseok had snapped many pictures of the babies of the group so that he could look back at them in a few years. Hyunwoo looked at Kihyun who just nodded and nudged Hoseok. Hoseok smiled softly and called out,

“kkukkungie, come here please.” Changkyun untangled himself from the other maknaes and moved towards Hoseok. Meanwhile Minhyuk turned off the tv. 

“baby it’s time we had that talk okay?” Kihyun had whispered to the youngest who was now settled in Hoseok’s lap. Changkyun only nodded and looked down. Hoseok made the boy look at him, using two fingers under the youngers chin to force him to look up.    
“kkukkungie if it gets too hard you just give me a nod and we’ll take a break hey?” at that Changkyun nodded and so Kihyun called for the others to come closer.

“Changkyun needs to talk to us.” No one spoke and Changkyun took a deep breath before speaking. 

“I know that hyung’s have seen what i wrote.” the group glanced nervously at each other before looking back at the youngest. “It’s not what it looks like, I promise. Kihyun hyung can you grab them for me please?” the male nodded and rushed to grab the paper. Once it was on the table Changkyun spoke again, “Look at the dates hyungs.” Each member took a look at the dates, long before the end of no mercy. 

“Hoseok hyung found out about them long ago, i just never threw them out. I thought if I threw out a whole notebook someone would think it was weird and look in it, so I just threw out the bad bits.” silence. “I still have the book, there are some really happy things in it and I wanted to keep the good stuff.” Minhyuk smiled and let out a sigh. 

“Oh thank god, I was pretty worried about you Kyunkyun.” Changkyun smiled back softly at the older. 

“kkukkungie, what about the rest of it?” Changkyun nodded and his smile dropped.

“Sometimes I still feel like this hyungs.” everyone looked at each other. 

“Changkyunie is there something you want us to do in particular?” Hyunwoo asked, the ever so patient leader. 

“I guess so hyung. it’s just different with each of you though.”

“It’s okay, you can say whatever you need to.” Hyunwoo reassured the youngest.

“okay. I mean I guess sometimes I just don't feel like I belong here so I kinda just want you guys to do more things with me please. And then i guess there’s each of you.” Everyone secretly wanted to be the one who got the least criticism. “For Hyungwoo hyung I wish you would talk more or atleast give me a way of gauging your mood. It’s just that I never feel like I can read you. I mean that you’re all muscle and strength and it’s kinda intimidating because all I want to do is make you proud but I can’t tell what’s going on in your head.” Hyunwoo reached out to place his hand on the thigh of the youngest. 

“Changkyun I am so sorry. Hyung didn’t mean to make you feel scared or confused. Hyung will make sure to tell you how proud you make me and what I’m thinking about so you don’t feel confused hey?” Changkyun nodded and was soon sat in Hyunwoo’s lap instead of Hoseok’s. 

“Changkyun, what about me?” Minhyuk was brave. Changkyun looked at him and held out his hand for the older to take. Minhyuk took it and Changkyun spoke softly.

“Minhyuk hyung I know you’re only joking but sometimes when you say things it feels like we’re back where we were when you didn’t like me and were always saying things.” the grip Minhyuk had on Changkyun’s hand slightly tightened but Changkyun continued. “I know that you never mean it but it’s hard to ignore when you hug everyone but me and I can’t help thinking you still don't like me still.” Much like with Hyunwoo Minhyuk made a promise to be better and was now holding the youngest in his lap. 

Before Changkyun could say anything for anyone else, Joohoen jumped up and was out the door before anyone could catch him. The room fell into chaos and Changkyun knew that talking about his problems only ever made more. Hyungwon was pulling on his shoes and setting off outside with Hyunwoo and Minhyuk, who had deposited Changkyun off his lap in the most graceless way, had Changkyun starting to panic. 

_ ‘What have you done Im Changkyun?’ _

_ Yeah ‘kyunkyun’ what have you done? _

He knew that the voice was mocking him yet Changkyun couldn’t shake how uneasy it made him feel with the way Minhyuk’s nickname was thrown in there. He didn’t even realise that he couldn’t breathe properly until Hoseok was sitting right in front of him coaching his breathing. The tears rolled down his cheeks and Changkyun wished he could stop it all. 

“Ki, I can’t stop him.” The male was on his phone trying to understand what was going on. then he yelled out,    
“Kiss him Hoseok.” The elder sat stunned but they didn’t have time to delay so instead Kihyun pushed the older out of the way and kissed the youngest. 

Changkyun felt himself being grounded by lip’s on his as his vision slowly started to come back. Changkyun could feel himself whimpering and still struggling to breath but the lips on his helped him. His hands blindly reached for whoever he could find and they were pressed against warm skin. As his hands found the arms of the owner of the lips, said lips left his. Changkyun couldn’t see clearly through his tears yet he recognised the outline as,

“Kihyun hyung.” even to his own ears Changkyun sounded broken. To Hoseok and Kihyun the youngest sounded so hurt.

“Hey there Kkukkungie, can you look at Kihyun and me?” Changkyun opened his eyes and found Hoseok’s face smiling at him. Kihyun was now holding Changkyun in his lap and if the youngest angled his head right he could see the older smiling at him. 

“hyung, can we sleep?” Hoseok scooped the boy up from Kihyun’s arms and started carrying him to his bed, Kihyun following not far behind. By the time Changkyun was on the bed he had already fallen asleep. Hoseok took a step back and saw Kihyun silently sobbing. Hoseok picked up the small male, turned the light off and moved himself and Kihyun back into the living room where the pair stayed silently awaiting the return of their members.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes so they kissed to stop the panic attack because it is one of the biggest results when you search how to stop one as people don't always put helpful things on the internet. i realise this doesn't always work but it did for me when i had a panic attack and my friend didn't know how to help so... anyways.
> 
> suggestions are welcome bc i don't really know where i'm going with this  
have a great day :)


	5. Truthful Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the chaos there is always quiet and gentle repairing that must happen however it is always easier when done together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long wait is over ^^ I'm back with a new chapter but i'm looking for some ideas as i have only really planed for this and the next chapter (which is looking pretty angsty) so any ideas would be really appreciated ^^

Kihyun had fallen asleep and Hoseok didn’t have the heart to wake him so the older put Kihyun into bed with Changkyun before returning to the living room. As the clock continued to tick onwards Hoseok felt himself grow more concerned. He was worried about Changkyun, after all the boy had had a panic attack followed by passing out. Then it was Jooheon. Jooheon never behaved erratically, he was usually one of the more sensible members but the young boy had taken off and chaos had spread through the house like wildfire. 

Hoseok felt a surge of hope fill his chest when the front door opened but Minhyuk and Hyungwon had returned with nothing to show. Hoseok could see the confusion and anger on both of the boys faces but more than that he saw fear.

“Where’s Kunkun?” It was tight and sounded more demanding than questioning but Hoseok answered Hyungwon anyway.

“Sleeping, Ki’s in there with him.”Hyungwon nodded and moved to stand in the doorway of his and Changkyun’s shared room. It was truly a sight, Kihyun holding the maknae in a way too small bed. Hyungwon walked back into the living room and sat next to Minhyuk and Hoseok. 

“Hyung, do you think Jooheon was scared to hear what ‘kyun was gonna say?” Minhyuk’s question wasn’t answered by Hoseok, but by Hyungwon.

“No, he wasn’t. I think part of him has been so scared for ‘kyun and waiting to hear the youngest tell him it was all his fault and that he should’ve been there. The bigger part though is waiting for him to say that it was no one's fault and go back to hiding from us.” 

Hoseok had put two and two together.

“So even though this is the best outcome it was both of the things he was dreading?”

“Yeah more or less. You know that ‘heony has always been so sensitive and doesn't take blame lightly.” Minhyuk and Hoseok just nodded. 

The trio didn’t talk anymore and slowly they fell asleep on each other. The dorm was still and silent as the rain began to pour outside.

Hyunwoo was having no luck trying to find Jooheon. He checked all of the boy’s favorite places but no sign of the boy. Then he saw him in a dark alleyway crying. He texted Minkhyuk and Hyungwon to go back to the dorm. He could handle this.

“Heony? Jooheon?” the boy turned, startled like a deer in the headlights. He didn’t move, just stood looking at the leader. Hyunwoo took that as his que and moved to stand in arms reach of the boy, waiting for him to make the final move. Jooheon all but fell into Hyunwoo’s arms.

“Hyung it’s all my fault. He reached out to me and I didn’t help him. Hoseok hyung had to help him instead. What if he tells me it’s all my fault. or worse he says it's nobody's fault.” The young rapper was hyperventilating and all Hyunwoo could do was hold him and remind him to breathe. 

The pair stood silently for quite some time as Jooheon calmed himself.

“Hyung, I don’t wanna lose him.” It was a whisper, almost too soft to be heard. “He reached out to me and I didn't help him.” It took the leader a moment to figure out what the boy was talking about. No. Mercy. 

“Jooheon, we won’t lose him. Besides you should be the least worried, you took his hand when no one else would.” Small drops of rain fell softly like tears around the pair. 

“Heon, shall we go home?” The boy nodded but didn’t move. The rain started to fall a little heavier. Hyunwoo held out his hand and it seemed to do the trick. Jooheon took a step forward and took the leader’s hand. The pair started to walk home in the rain. Jooheon let his tears fall, the rain falling on his skin disguising them. 

Two blocks before their house Jooheon and Hyunwoo felt the rain start to pelt down on their skin. Neither made a move to pick up the pace at which they were walking; happy to let the cold water wash over them. 

The pair trudged into the dorm soaked from head to toe. Hoseok was the first to wake up, moving to get them both towels and to take their wet clothes and put them in the washing machine. Minhyuk woke next. moving to wake the others while Jooheon and Hyunwoo got dressed. Changkyun all but ran into the living room once he had been woken up. He saw Jooheon drying his hair. Changkyun walked up to the other rapper. 

“ ‘heony?” the older boy looked up and locked eyes with Changkyun.

“ ‘kyun…” the elder trailed off and if you looked at him you could see the tears welling in his eyes. Changkyun rushed forward and grabbed the other rapper, pulling him into the most gentle hug. Jooheon wrapped his arms around the younger in response and held him closer. tears fell down his cheeks and jooheon let his head fall into the crook of the youngest’s neck. The pair stayed in each other's arms, neither wanting to let go.

“Hyung?” jooheon pulled away a little to look at the younger male.

“Yeah ‘kyun?” Jooheon took a moment to admire the youngest rapper for all he was. Changkyun looked back at the older, eyes glancing to observe the others facial features.

“Jooheon hyung, you’re not mad at me right?” it was a whisper breathed out into the space between them. The other members moved quietly to sit on the couches, trying to provide some privacy for the pair. 

“No kkukkungie, hyung could never be mad at you.” Jooheon was holding the youngest’s face in his hands, thumb gently brushing the boy's cheek. “If anything ‘kyunnie you should be mad at me.”

Changkyun pulled away looking almost undignified at the suggestion.    
“Hyung i’m never mad at you. I shouldn’t have been pointing all those things out.” Jooheon shook his head at the younger boy. He slightly tightened his grasp on the boy’s hip.    
  
“No kkukkungie, we need you to tell us what we’re doing that makes you uncomfortable. Hyungs want to make you happy.” Changkyun moved closer to the older and hugged him again. This time Jooheon let the boy rest his head on his shoulder, one hand moving to caress Changkyun’s brown hair. 

“How ‘bout we go sit with the others?” Changkyun nodded against jooheon’s shoulder and the older took his hand, leading the younger to sit on the couch.

Hoseok smiled at the pair, Jooheon felt relief at the idea that they weren’t mad at him. 

“Should we all go to bed?” Hyunwoo put the suggestion out but the members all shook their heads. Kihyun looked at Changkyun who was all but sitting in Jooheon’s lap. 

“ ‘kyunnie? Do you wanna finish telling everyone what’s wrong?” Kihyun was gentle, his voice soft and calm. Changkyun nodded hesitantly and Jooheon let the arm he had resting around Changkyun’s shoulders fall limp. Changkyun looked at the older rapper and then back at Kihyun. 

“I don’t wanna make anyone else sad Hyung.” Kihyun nodded and Jooheon spoke up. 

“You didn’t make anyone sad kkukkungie, I was just having a moment. I wanna hear what you have to say, please tell us.” Changkyun nodded, sitting a little straighter. he took a deep breath and looked at Jooheon. Changkyun took one of the other rappers' hands into his own. 

Changkyun took a deep breath and glanced at each member before settling on talking to Jooheon first. “Hyunwoo hyung and Minhyuk hyung both already know how I feel so I guess that leaves everyone else. Jooheon hyung, well you kinda always joined in on Minhyuk hyung’s jokes and I kinda felt out the loop.” Jooheon nodded but stayed quiet. Changkyun continued, “Sometimes I feel like we don’t do a whole lot together and I really want to spend time with you hyung, I guess I just want you to hang out with me.” changkyun trailed off and Jooheon pulled the boy impossibly closer.

“Kkukkungie I’m so sorry, you’re always welcome to come with me. Hyung will remember to bring you with me on more adventures.” Changkyun beamed at the older rapper before looking to Hyungwon who sat nearby.

“Hyungwon hyung,” the model nodded for the youngest to continue talking. “You didn’t really do anything wrong but I feel like I can't talk to you still. Like you are so perfect hyung but you’re always asleep and I just feel like I haven’t gotten to know you well yet.” His words were soft and sincere and Hyungwon stood and moved to sit on the other side of Changkyun, one hand resting on the youngest’s knee. 

“I’m sorry ‘kyun. I know I sleep alot and often forget to interact with you guys but hyung will remember to spend time with you more now. Changkyun just nodded and smiled at the model, moving his hand to hold Hyungwon’s.

Kihyun and Hoseok exchanged glances before looking at Changkyun. The small boy was busy being wrapped up in love provided by the maknae line and hadn't seen the silent exchange. Kihyun looked over at Minhyuk who was snapping pictures of the trio on his phone. Hoseok was the one to disrupt the moment.

“Kkukkungie?” Changkyun’s head snapped up and the boy looked into Hoseok’s eyes and smiled softly.

“Don’t worry hyung, I didn’t forget about you and Ki hyung.” The producer smiled at the cheek coming from the youngest. Changkyun shuffled a little in his seat before looking at the pair smiling back at him. 

“Well ‘soek hyung I wish you would let me help you out more, like when you lock yourself up in the studio. I just want you to take my help sometimes. I know how strong you are but everyone needs someone to lean on. Can that be me?” Hoseok smiled the most blinding smile and opened his arms for the youngest. Changkyun threw himself into Hoseok’s arms. 

“Of course that can be you, silly.”  _ You don't know it but you already are  _ a small voice whispered somewhere in the back of Hoseok’s mind. the small boy clung to the older who just silently petted his hair until Changkyun moved. the smaller then turned to look at Kihyun.

Kihyun always looked like an angel to Changkyun, something about the way the elder fussed over him made Changkyun feel safe. Kihyun always went out of his way to help Changkyun out and the young boy felt nothing but thankful for it. 

“Kihyun hyung.” The elder smiled so Changkyun continued to talk, “Hyung I can’t ask anything more of you.” Kihyun tilted his head to the side. Changkyun had been trying to ask him something for weeks, what did he mean he couldn’t ask anything of the elder. Changkyun saw Kihyun’s confusion.

“Well there is one thing.” Changkyun mumbled quietly and Kihyun was listening intently.

“Hyung, I wish you could leave one of the lights on at night.” Changkyun was scared of the dark. Kihyun moved to sit next to Changkyun who was still in Hoseok’s lap. 

“Of course I’ll leave the light on.” no one said anything for quite a while. After a while though Hyunwoo stood, which drew all attention his way. 

“I’m very happy we have all had a chance to clear things up with you Changkyunie but now I need you all to go to bed.” It was 2 in the morning and so the members nodded and made their way to their rooms. Kihyun held onto Changkyun’s arm gently and pulled the boy aside as everyone left.

“Which light should I leave on ‘kyun?” Changkyun felt himself smiling. 


End file.
